Makings of a Modern Woman

No more complication

2008-06-01T05:59:00.000-07:00

I'm leaving this here for posterity, but from here on in all blogging will be at Maintaining The Rage Makes Me Tired. While having some of these ideas/issues over here (particularly in the wedding days) is good to have seperated, there is no real reason to keep doing so. At first I seperated out my wedding from my regular blog for two reasons. Firstly, my blog used to be much more work related, an online compendium of my printed articles or updates on A New Leaf Media. Secondly, in many ways (as discussed here previously), I wasn't really comfortable with my relationship (and the wedding itself) being up for all to see.

Since then I've come to terms with my decisions and the various aspects of my life in a far more healthy way (I think). I've found a community of women online who make me realise that you aren't crazy, or a bridezilla, just because you get married. I've accepted that just because I participate in some activities that are, for some, expressions of a life I don't buy into, doesn't mean they take on the same cultural value for me. I've become more adament about being open about my CFS an the way it's shaped the past few years of my life. I've accepted that my main blog is more than enough of a space to speak about my life, my whole life, without feeling like there are aspects I should hide away.

So head over here if you aren't already reading my other blog.

I know I shouldn't read this crap, but really!

2008-05-13T22:35:00.000-07:00

I was doing my usual catch up on the usually-mildly-entertaining blog on The Age website Who's Your Daddy? When I see a new entry pop up I usually take a look and as far as The Age blogs go it's a huge improvement on the ugliness of The Sams, who malign us all as examples of their species.

His latest post has attracted a whole bunch of comments. It's about the issue of 'accidental dads'. Men who, unintentionally, become fathers. I think Sacha handles the rather sticky issue with his usual tact and diplomacy. I might not agree with everything he puts forward, but there is no malice in any of it. But then I made the fatal mistake. I scrolled down and started to read the comments. Now, let's ignore the easy targets of the God-botherers and the nonsensical idiots who use their caps lock sporadically and seem to have no concept of grammar. Let's just get to the meat of it...

There are 55 odd comments on the blog (when I last looked). Out of those 55 how many do you suppose are from men (and women) who have, or have friends, or who once heard of some sucker, who was forced into fatherhood by a woman who lied and tricked him into having a baby? I'm too irritated by my first read through, so go find out the figure your self, I can't handle it. All I can say is there are lots. Too many. It reminded me, yet again, that I live in this tiny, comfortable little nook in the world where people are very progressive. And that was before the commenters started raising the point that really, a man should be able to force a woman to give birth to baby if he wants it anyway. I mean, what about his rights? It's unfair it is a one way decision and the man has to suffer for years and years as a consequence of a decision he didn't make.

There are no real surprises, I suppose, except that I can't just let this stuff pass without feeling the weight of how silly it is. There's no other word for it. Here's the comment I left on the site:

Seriously. This is beyond funny. How many women do you really imagine are out there scooping sperm from used condoms and impregnating themselves with it secretly? Do you have any idea how difficult this would be? In terms of logistics, it would need to be done within a very short time of the actual ejeculation of the male for sperm to still be alive, then the difficulty in extracting and impregnating... let alone the statistics which show even if you went through all of that your chances, even on the one day per month that your egg is most ripe for impregnation, is less than one in three!

But yeah, I'm sure there are armies of women out there doing this. And you didn't notice the not-so-subtle process as you lay in bed afterwards. She's on the pill? Wear a condom. She's infertile? Wear a condom. You're drunk/she's drunk? Wear a condom. That is the only way in which you can protect yourself, if you're serious. Too many men are convinced that the question 'are you on the pill' is a form of contraception.

We all have responsibility when we enter into a sexual experience. We understand the risks we are taking. I think too many men become interested in paternity and contraception AFTER they have already been irresponsible. When it is a question of to abort or not abort. That's not the point where your decisions need to be made.

If you counted the amount of men refusing to accept responsibility for their children, financial or otherwise, I have no doubt it would easily overwhelm the amount of babies resulting from women who covertly stole sperm from condoms. Anyone want to argue against that?

I can't wait to see how many men call me a lezzo feminist man hater. But anway, is it just me? Are these arguments silly? I just don't want to face the idea that my position, as outlined about, is radical.

Irresistable

2008-03-31T06:02:00.001-07:00

I just purchased this gorgeous print from etsy. I'm not sure if I've previously confessed my love affair with that place of homemade heaven, but it's my weakness.

When this image was featured on one of my favourite craft blogs (yes, I really am that sad) it immediately recalled my second-favourite-in-the-world-ever poem by Gwen Harwood on the nature of marriage and female identity. I think it is something in the turn of the girl's face, the direct stare of the lion. Regardless, it jolted me back to a sudden recollection of Harwood's work. Even when I first read her work when I was 16 the poem gave me chills.

I was never a poetry buff, really. I think it comes from being such an impatient reader. I'm rarely able to take the time to let a poem wash over me, but Harwood's work spoke to me so directly from the moment I picked it up. Years later, when I suffered a miscarriage, I went back to a poem she had written about her own miscarriage. It was the only thing that seemed to come close to reflecting the questions and the grief I had about this strange loss; the loss of possibilities, of paths I would never take or a person I would never meet.

Anyway, here is the poem that the artwork reminded me of (which gave me the excuse to purchase it straight away).

The Lion's Bride

I loved her softness, her warm human smell,
her dark mane flowing loose. Sometimes, stirred by
rank longing, laid my muzzle on her thigh.
Her father, faithful keeper, fed me well,
but she came daily with my special bowl
barefoot into my cage, and set it down:
our love feast. We became the talk of town,
brute king and tender woman, soul to soul.

Until today: an icy spectre sheathed
in silk, minced to my side on pointed feet.
I ripped the scented veil from its unreal
head and engorged the painted lips that breathed
our secret names. A ghost has bones, and meat!
Come soon, my love, my bride, and share this meal.

This, and many of her other poems, evoke such powerful senses of the loss, betrayal, joy and compromise it takes to be a wife and mother. She was so courageous in laying open her struggles to reconcile the creative musician and poet with doting mother and supportive wife (her husband was also an intellectual of some repute and much of her life was spent supporting his career), particularly in the 1950s. I'm not sure how, when I didn't really understand feminist theory as a construct, but I really felt that this was a struggle which all women must have to deal with. Even at 16, it seemed obvious to me that to be the kind of wife I saw reflected all around me in many families I knew, including my own, must take enormous compromise of your own desires. I dare anyone to read her poem Suburban Sonnet and stay starry-eyed about the prospect of motherhood. Strange though, that she never comes across as bitter. Mostly weary, happy to admit the pleasure of simple life but never forgetting her creative urges as they pull, reminding her about the 'what ifs'.

Over ten years later, the poem still gives me the same sense of foreboding as it did back then. I don't read it particularly differently, but I think I understand it in a wider feminist context, and I can certainly appreciate the knife-edge idea of how quickly marriage can eat you, spit you out, change your boundaries... turn on you. How a wooing can lead to a devouring of your previous self. How two people could become unrecognisable to each other once they wear the trappings of tradition. It is so very hard to hold on to yourself some days.

Where to from here?

2008-03-17T23:38:00.000-07:00

I'm wondering about this blog... do I really need a whole separate blog to talk about these aspects of my life? I feel like I do, but mostly because I find it something I do separate quite severely in my regular life. I didn't talk about my upcoming wedding non-stop in the lead up, and I don't talk incessantly about my marriage and relationship post-wedding either.

Sometimes, though, it feels like I leave it out of my discussions (including my blog) because I feel like it's something that should be apart from the rest of my life. I think that also comes from working with Himself. You sort of learn to compartmentalise. What I've realised, though, is that I haven't been compartmentalising. It's more like I've been pretending it's a whole area of my life that doesn't exist. And my relationship, my marriage, my work-partnership with Himself is obviously a huge aspect of my life. One that throws up dilemmas for me every day. And not so much in the let's-talk-about-my-husband-and-his-bad-habits way, but the ways that make me consider how I feel about feminism in my own life, how I relate to other women because of my "not single" status, how I balance or manage that part of my life with everything else and how it grows and changes.

I went out of my way to start publishing a lot more honestly about my experiences with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome on my other blog not so long ago. I did the same thing earlier with being more open about my experiences of depression, or even my earlier miscarriage. Every time I've gone through one of these experiences, which are characterised often by people being embarrassed or ashamed of them, I have realised that the only way not to play into the idea stigma that already exists is to be open about them. If I won't talk about depression honestly, if I let myself feel as if I ought to be ashamed of my own depression, then I'm saying it is something to hide, to feel shit over and to let rule your life in silence. I don't think any less of anyone else who has suffered from depression, or a miscarriage, or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, so why let other people's misconceptions rule my behaviour?

It's also a way to remove some of the barriers I tend to put up. I often don't want to admit that I need help, or I feel isolated... but then I blame others for not being there, or not helping. Again, I think it does raise the question of whether this blog is really required, or I should just stop separating my life so much... for the time being, though, I'll post over here and see how we go.

Feminist blogging

2008-03-13T23:28:00.000-07:00

I've been making my way through lots of feminist blogs lately (a big part of the reason I've been so keen to keep posting here), and so many of them are warming my shackles. I'm not sure what my shackles are, or why they need to be warmed, or even if I've spelt them correctly... but boy are they warm.I've been slowly making my way through one which is, put simply, delightful.

Blue Milk is a feminist, a mother, a comedian (not really, I just mean she makes me laugh), a partner, a social commentator and many other things, asI am discovering. It's such a great experience to read someone's blog from the start, knowing that there are pages and pages of their life to discover. Harking back to some of my recent posts on marriage, this old post of hers includes some great comments from her readers where feminists share their thoughts on the good old surname question. Anyone who has/is/will face this as a question might find it as interesting as I did to see how people came to their decisions.

She also manages to indulge my love for stories from feminist parents, single mothers and gay parents. I'm sure this makes me seem like I'm aiming for some kind of political correctness rainbow award, but these non-traditional role models are really encouraging for me. I love that these women (and men) are creating their own rules, making their families work outside the box. It's what I want to do in my own life, and they balance out all the mainstream bullshit and fairytales we are fed about women, family and gender roles. She's honest about her good times and bad times, which I love.

This post made me giggle out loud (at work) and made people look at me like I was crazy. And it wasn't exactly easy to explain. I guess it just tickled my fancy as being just absurd enough to make up for the banality that mothering often seems (from the outside). As someone points out, you do have to remember sometimes that you're dealing with a child's mind.On the other hand, a single sentance from this post made me shiver.

"Parenthood can feel like flirting with your own disintegration"

Is it just me, or is that equal parts beautiful and terrifying?I don't doubt it's truth, which is why even though I look forward to being a mother I simulataneously wonder if I'll make it out alive... or resembling the woman I was going in. This blog really balances my hope and my fears. Which I think is positive.

x posted

Post wedding catch up

2008-03-01T23:06:00.000-08:00

We're married. It's done. I'm really regretting not having the chance to write more about the experience because there were some crazy (good and bad) parts.

When all is said and done though, we managed to make it through our wedding with our morals intact, we were pretty happy with how everything turned out and we shared an important occassion with our family and friends. That really was the greatest gift, having so many people there to celebrate with us.

To be honest, our aim wasn't really achieved. It wasn't a stress-free wedding at all. The night before we ended up in a huge argument that was the culmination of a horrible few months. The argument was horrible, and in retrospect I can see that the wedding made it worse. In normal life it would have been just a bad argument, due to the timing it overshadowed what should have been a happier night. That's not to say we didn't enjoy ourselves or we were arguing or anything, just that we kind of did our own thing, and we didn't approach it with as much joy as we really could have.

On the positive side, the horrible stuff wasn't about the wedding. It was thanks to the not-so-subtle fracturing of our life thanks to my Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (something I talk about a lot more in my other blog), and the pressures that added to my life as I became progressively sicker, the business that we co-run ending up in serious trouble when I could no longer get everything done and Himself's workload became out of control. Not to mention we became progressively poorer (and more panicked) due to my inability to work either my day job or our side business (which still had costs of its own building up).

It's taken me ages to come back to this blog and even write about the wedding, mostly because I really did feel pretty shitty about it for ages. I didn't want to write some false, happy-happy post about our brilliant life together when the simple truth is it was more complicated than we wanted it to be. I want to write a bit more about this, and I also think some posts I've made on my regular blog are probably more suitable for a space like this. I want to keep this blog running. Originally I thought of it as a space to talk about a non-crazy bride kind of wedding, but really it's always been about what it feels like to think of yourself as a woman who doesn't fit the framework a lot of other women define themselves by. What it's like to try to find personal meaning and your own brand of feminism in your regular life, even when you're doing things that in themselves probably aren't feminist according to many views.

So let's reimagine this blog then, and instead of being an anti-bride tale, can it be makings of a modern woman?

Oh Shit

2007-06-17T02:13:00.000-07:00

I'm getting married in under 3 weeks.

I haven't been able to write as much about this as I would have liked, mostly due to the fact that I've been so sick. It sucks, as there have been so many damn funny moments and bits that I'd love to preserve for posterity. Highlights have to be:

- bridal dress sales assistants
- falling in love with my dressmaker, Gwendolynne, who has the most awesome attitude to making gorgeous gowns (and life)
- our 'pre-marital' counselling at Relationships Australia, where we realised that the old saying "there is always someone worse off than you" is true
- my fantastic great-aunt who thought our request for people to give us certificates for carbon credits as a wedding gift (so we can feel good about our flights and car emissions in our early married life) was a certificate to pay our electricity bill
- Himself's grandmother's RSVP for our wedding consisting of an equally intricate puzzle as our actual invitation was
- a wedding invitation as an excuse to get back in contact with people you love dearly but may have lost contact with recently (mostly due to being out of action socially)

UNDER THREE WEEKS, PEOPLE.

Shiny happy people

2007-06-10T02:30:00.000-07:00

Thanks to my wedding band. I never expected to get this excited about my ring (hence why I've always said I didn't want an engagement ring - what's the point?), but since meeting with the lovely fella making our rings I've been falling more in love with the design and can't wait to get the damn thing on my finger.

I suppose it would be more meaningful if I said I couldn't wait to have it on my finger because I couldn't wait to be married to Himself, but hey, apparently there are some latant female genes in there somewhere.

I get to see it in the metal this week.

Bring on the stereotype of the giggling girl excited by diamonds.

Invitations out...

2007-05-20T10:45:00.000-07:00

10 days past our agreed deadline, but out. Yay! I had my first tantrum of the wedding planning over them. Given Himself is a graphic designer, I figured asking him to design and help me construct the invites would be a great way to have him take over one area I didn't have to arrange. Fat chance. Given Himself's huge work schedule, along with his overhanging tiredness from recent projects (let alone our impending move) his enthusiasm was less than overwhelming. Add to that his usual slack attitude to details and it was a receipe for disaster.

In the end, they weren't that late, which is great, but the outer card is almost bright-white. The only thing I didn't want on the invites was white. My hissy fit was mostly down to the fact that it could have been avoided if more care was taken, not so much that they aren't 'perfect'. Every time I look at them I get annoyed that they are almost right, that the one thing Himself has really had to be in charge of is late (and has resulted in both sets of parents doing some not-so-gentle hinting that they aren't being done soon enough) and lacks effort. They look like cut-n-paste pieces... and not in a good way.

In the end, I'm just bloody happy to have them done. Now we just have to sit back and see who's coming.

Wedding bands

2007-04-25T17:27:00.000-07:00

When we were first discussing rings Himself was anti getting one. He doesn't wear a ring and has always found it irritating when he tries. I don't really care if he does or doesn't wear a ring, my only comment was it might be nice to have one even to wear as a dress ring - the symbol is nice, even if it isn't something you want to wear permanently. It wasn't until after he spoke to my Dad (who didn't have a wedding ring as they couldn't afford it at the time my folks got married, but did get one later) that he started to wonder if he was being a bit hasty. When we did some research he didn't see anything he liked, so that seemed to be the end of that debate.

It wasn't until we ended up at the wedding expo a few months ago that Himself came accross some bands he liked, and then when he saw they were made by an independent jeweller he started to warm to the idea. When we realised that the jeweller was a young guy who came from The Basin in the Dandenong Ranges, an area we head to whenever we need to relax, unwind and spend some time together away from work and other people, Himself's mind was made up. We decided to visit the store whenever we had a free day. Surprise, surprise, that hasn't happened and despite the fact yesterday was a public holiday we thought it was worth a try to call past.

Good plan. As it turns out the lovely jeweller was doing some extra work in his studio, and was happy for us to come in and have a chat. Himself took another look through his collection and settled on a completely different ring than the one which he had first looked at way back when at the expo, and was chuffed to discover it was well under his upper spending limit. I really like the one he has selected, it's really simple, but like mine, has a little bit of detail which makes it different. It's white gold, as mine will be, and will be ready in a few weeks.

While we were sitting there, I started quizzing him about the kind of ring I've been looking for (a small diamond tension set white gold band) and was surprised to find he would be happy to make one. Most places I've been have told me they don't do that kind of work and the only studio in Melbourne I managed to find who do make them are rude and just a bit on the expensive side. We went through some more details and he made some great recommendations, both about setting and stones. I was really happy with his service, and have made an appointment with him to come back and put together a final design when Himself's band is ready to be fitted.

Another detail which has fallen into place so simply it seems unbelievable. Is this all going to prove you can have a low stress wedding if you want one? I'm not sure, but I can still try to dream.

It's a nice day for a Green Wedding

2007-04-23T04:36:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty pleased with how enviro-friendly this wedding is shaping up to be. After reading this article recently on a site I love, I was happy to see that most (if not all) of their suggestions we had already considered/planned for/implemented. To recap:

* While I still don't have this damn dress yet, it won't be made overseas and shipped here. Local design will (fingers crossed) be made here if possible.

* The ceremony and reception are being held in the same place, saving the need for added transport by ourselves and/or guests. Also means we don't require wedding cars.

* Our guest list is relatively small, with few people travelling far to attend. Exceptions are our essential guests; Himself's father coming in from United Arab Emirates where he currently works and a few close friends travelling from Brisbane and Sydney.

* Our catering is predominantly local produce, with an emphasis on vegan and vegetarian food (and organic of course). The lighter meat options mean a real difference in ecological footprints. We are also selecting local wine and champagne (I'm hoping we will have some organic options there, too).

* Invitations are in the works, and it looks like we will have them printed on 100% post-consumer recycled stock, complete with vegetable dye inks. At a minimum it will be 100% recycled, but I'm reeeaaally hoping our printer can get hold of the post-consumer stock we want.

* Our rings are both locally made, with mine coming from a conflict-free diamond and gold mining zone.

* My hair/makeup is being done by an awesome woman who uses only cruelty free products (not so much green, but fits with the whole ethos).

* We are having wedding photography provided by a woman happy to supply us with digital images only (you would be surprised how many photographers insist on massive albums and high end glossy prints for each shot they take as part of a 'basic' package), leaving us to print only the photos we want, at the size we want, offering less wastage.

* Gift registry has been created at Myer (saving all the questions that have already started to pile up about what we want from all our relatives), but with our invitations we will be sending a card explaining that we understand people like to be traditional and 'give' us something for our new life, we're much more concerned about the impact our life (and lifestyle) has on our planet. As such, we're providing information of a great online store where you can purchase carbon offset packages which can pay for our travel emissions for the honeymoon, or for our power usage in the first year of our marriage.

* Bonbonniere is a fun way for us to give back to guests and thank them for sharing our wedding day, so we're thanking them with a fun 'party bag' with a few locally made treats. More importantly, for each guest who attends we are purchasing a tree as part of another carbon offset program and including a little card (same post-consumer recycled stock) which outlines how the tree helps to offset the impact of our wedding and get us all off to a happy new start for our future.

* While we are travelling for our honeymoon, we are hoping to have this offset by guests participating in carbon trading. While away, we're hoping to stay at an eco-friendly resort and to either volunteer for a short time in our destination or to find a charity we feel puts back into the country in a positive way.

Let's be positive.

2007-04-17T06:02:00.000-07:00

Ok... So what if there is less than three months. Let's count the positives.

1. I looked at the wedding gallery that my first choice photographer was kind enough to load up to her site. It's lovely. I get a great vibe from her (even via email), and I adore her art photography and comissioned work. I was really nervous that I'd see her weddings and her style wouldn't translate to such a different context. So wrong! She has such an eye for light and colour, as well as a lovely way of framing people. There is no sign of 15 locations over 40 minutes, just capturing the event as it takes place and a few nice shots of wedding parties (minus the overtly staged hilarity). You should check out her site:

http://www.illyphotography.com/

2. My first choice hair/makeup person is available on the day, and very affordable. She also works in mainly non-wedding areas, and most importantly uses 100% cruelty free products. Hoorah! Who knew you could actually have a wedding with morals attached?

3. Three months is heaps of time. Loads. I've planned events in less and there is almost every key area taken care of. Well... thought about and partly planned, anyway. Am I convincing anyone but myself here?

Panic stations

2007-04-16T10:08:00.000-07:00

Oh dear. It has struck... that nagging panic that perhaps, just perhaps, this isn't as in control as it feels. Mostly I think it is how quickly all this time has passed. So many other things have come up, so many distractions, and now I am LESS THAN three months away from my wedding.

I'm convinced I won't find this 'easy' dress, and that I did the wrong thing not having the gorgeous one made I had intended to. I'm convinced I'm going to wake up and all my details will be out of control. So far this has been the low-stress affair I wanted it to be, but I think my rising fear is about to overwhelm.

Well underway.

2007-03-27T23:15:00.001-07:00

So here we are, three and a bit months away from our wedding. It's gone so fast, and as predicted there has been stress... but little in the way of complete tantrums. Who knows what lies around the corner though??? There are things that have gone so easily; the celebrant we wanted to use is available (and we still like him thus far), the venue we fell in love with when walking in the door is working out okay, our 'relationship' weekend was exhausing but great. I keep asking though, when will it all go horribly wrong?

Let's go shopping!*

2006-12-27T11:14:00.000-08:00

* Must be said in Larry Emdur style voice as per Price Is Right

Oh God. I did it. I actually entered a bridal shop. One of the 'decisions' that needs to be made is what I'm going to do with dress options. Saying you aren't going to go all poofy and white, saying that you want to keep things more simple in style - taking away all the detail, beading, crystals, brooches and flounces - seems to mean that you end up with almost no options. Or at least that's how it feels looking at all the bridal magazines which have some how accumulated in our home as if they are actually going to provide guidance through this foreign maze of wedding haze.

Every picture I look at, each website I visit, I seem to find myself saying "yes, great... if you took away that bit and this bit". Which is fine, except that you can't buy a dress that way. Unless you get someone to make it for you. Which takes time. Don't get me wrong, I have time. Six months is about the time they recommend that it will take to tailor a gown from scratch. It's just that with this whole low-key approach Himself and I have been going for it feels so full-on to pay what I'm scared will be quite a great deal of money to get something so simple. On top of that (without going into whining girl mode), I'm so out of shape at the moment that I'm hoping (like most women I know!) to lose some weight before the wedding. In that case, how will they start to make a dress for me already? With all these adding up, I decided to use a quiet day after Christmas to do the walk up and down High St Armadale and pop in to a few stores if they were open.

Most of the stores were closed, but the few that were open confirmed my suspicions; what bridal magazines and websites portray is pretty much the full set of options you get in person. It was a funny experience, but not as intimidating as I expected. The women were Prue and Trude style for the most part, but mostly they left me alone. I was scared it was going to be a barrage of questions and unwanted advice about what would 'suit' me. Anyway, it was a good excersize to push me to do real research, rather than my usual internet kind. I have an idea of price comparisons for off-the-rack dresses, but I really need to ask some questions. How much can I alter a design? I don't want white, but can I choose the shade of 'champagne' (you'd be surprised how many canary yellow options are apparently champagne) if I alter colour? What's the cost of alteration? When does it all happen? I also need to ring a dressmaker and get an idea of how much that will cost in comparison.

Himself seems unfazed, but this is the easy part for him. Just offer a broad opinion and walk away. We shall see how it evolves when we go looking at potential venues tomorrow!

Not freakin, but small pressure building.

2006-12-22T03:02:00.000-08:00

I knew it would come eventually. Not content with having a relaxed approach to this whole shenannigan, I have decided to start getting a few decisions made so I don't have to think about them anymore. And also out of pity for my mother, who I think is starting to get a little worried that we intend to leave this all until a month before we want to actually have the wedding.

I'm one of those people who, rather than stress, gets it in to their head that by looking far and wide on the internet you are doing 'research'. Once that 'research' is done, I feel content in knowing what my options are or a broad picture of the situation. Knowing all the options makes me feel more secure that I can, in fact, make decisions. Himself would rather not know much at all and take the first option that comes along which suits his taste and/or ideas. It's actually a good partnership as I just end up showing him what seems to suit where he's coming from. If we can't agree from that pool, I start showing him more of what I've found or go around doing more 'research'. We've had a really good run with agreeing on pretty much everything that we are both looking forward to without having to actually make a decision. Decision time is upon us though, so who knows how we will go from here?

2006-12-19T18:58:00.000-08:00

He did it first. He called me the f word in public. Fiance. How rude.

Himself's latest addiction.

2006-11-29T03:19:00.000-08:00

Bridezillas.

Anyone ever seen this show? It's a foxtel program about women who totally lose it in the lead up to their wedding. They are everything, and I mean everything that makes me scared of getting married.

Not one of these women appears to be enjoying anything about their wedding. Grooms are featured only when making mistakes that cause the bride to have a meltdown, in the lead up to weddings the bride only smiles... well, actually, she doesn't seem to smile. They are on a mission; a quest for the 'perfect' wedding. Apparently the perfect wedding consists of any number of factors from oversized dresses to screeching mothers. The notable absence of any joy about the preperations for the 'big day' and the fact that they often utter terrifying phrases such as "What little girl hasn't been dreaming about this day their whole life" or "It's the most important day of my entire life and I could never be happy if it wasn't perfect", makes me afraid.

How can it be healthy to have a groom with no say in his wedding (or marriage, apparently), at all? And if your only dream is to stand next to someone (anyone) and say "I do" with just the right arrangement of flowers by the altar, then you need a reality check. One woman on this show took out a personal loan to pay for a US$70,000 wedding in a faux castle. She wasn't wealthy, she was a middle class woman who was putting herself in enough debt to put a sizeable dent in her life for a loooong time, all so she could have a more expensive version of what hundreds of others have.

These 'Bridezilla' examples are atypical of my disdain for the weddings that seem to be everywhere these days. There is no personality, just variations on the cookie cutter style we have had fed to us by the bridal industry. We spend enormous amounts of money for what? To have another way to compete with Mr and Mrs Jones? Everything in life can be made into a status symbol affair, but it seems that this area in particular is one where women forget any personality they usually have and conform to the same 12 options (or combination thereof) that every other woman selects from.

If you like giant white dresses, great. If you like pretend castles, great. If you like roses, great. But are you really telling me that these women, who strive for 'perfection' rather than enjoying their day or what it means, are following what they like? It's all too plastic.

But Himself loves it. I think it's his way of trying to remind me what I have promised not to become. I can see that this will probably become stressful at some point, and decisions can't flow as easily as they have so far. But I know why I'm getting married, and it isn't in some desperate need to fulfill a childhood dream (although I'm still waiting for a pony, that's one dream that can never die) or to reach a form of higher perfection. I can't see myself losing sight of that.

The magazines are piling up.

2006-11-01T22:53:00.000-08:00

But what good are they when I don't want a giant white dress or a wedding-world reception centre who churn through 4 couples per weekend?

Trying to work out what you want to do for your actual wedding is like feeling your way in the dark unless you've been secretly dreaming of the day and hoarding wedding ideas in the corners of your mind since you were a little girl. Do I need to spell out this is not me?

I've been surprised at how little conversation it's actually taken between Himself and I to work out some of our ideas. We've gone through two frames of thought on 'where'. At first we wanted to head out to a winery in the Yarra Valley, but soon realised that heaps of our friends don't drive and given we're all inner-city dwellers for the most part it's a long way out for some. The second thought (and the one that seems it will stick) is a wine bar/bar/restaurant in the Melbourne CBD. Easy for all, reflective of us (given my devout love for my city and its unique nightlife and Himself's laid back attitude), much more simple in terms of doing a cocktail style party than formal sit-down affair.

That decision kind of solidified the 'how'. Having a bar means a cocktail food menu, a quick informal ceremony before we lay back and enjoy the rest of the night and no trapsing accross from ceremony to reception. It's perfect for us and doesn't play into the traditional pomp and bore of a wedding.

'When' has been dictated by the fact that we want Himself's dad to be there (obviously), and he's in the middle east. This means we want to wait until he can be back here, which means July 07 (I'm gunning to have a wedding on 07/07/07. I keep trying to convince Himself it will make us one step away from the devil). Perfect. In the middle of winter, which is our favourite time of the year (and my favourite time to be in the cobblestone back alleys of Melbourne), no need for sunny daytime affairs, no happy sunshine wedding photos.

'Who' also came pretty easily. We wrote a list of every single person we could think of that we might possibly want to invite. That gave us a starting point to understand how big the guest list could be at its largest, which means we can look at where to trim it down or whether we really think people will actually be able to make it and estimate from there. Fortunately it showed that a cocktail style night would be great as it would allow us to have maximum people for minimum cost and without worrying about elaborate seating plans.

So that pretty much makes up 'what' it will be. Details could be trickier, but damn that's a good simple start.

Which brings me back to my original point. What I'm describing so far is pretty much the anti of everything you find in bridal magazines. Where do I find my ideas and options to work out all these details damn it???

Rules of Engagement #2

2006-10-11T08:14:00.000-07:00

Rule Three (as dictated by Herself and Himself): No one is allowed to call us engaged.

Rules of engagement.

2006-10-08T23:31:00.000-07:00

Step One: Come to an agreement on marriage.

Step Two: Decide on the rules of engagement (no pun intended).

Mostly the rules as discussed to this point are about the wedding.

Rule One (as dictated by Him): No poofy white dress.

Rule Two (as dictated by Her): No sneakers with suits.

There are more. Most of his revolve around the idea that this wedding needs as little fuss as possible, and that I'm not allowed to turn into a Bridezilla. Most of mine revolve around the idea that he has to get over his 'wacky' tendancies (see Rule Two) and have an 'adult' experience. We haven't come to massive blows yet, but I think if he continues talking about kilts and getting an uncle/cousin/friend to take a course and become a celebrant to marry us it may be just around the corner... and once he realises I'm already 'researching' options on how/when/where it's a certainty.

Spreading the news

2006-10-08T20:07:00.000-07:00

Why is it that deciding to get married is treated like the most amazing piece of news people could ever receive? If I told people 'hey, I really love this guy and I don't think we're going to break up', I can't see them caring much. People don't care about the state of each other's relationships (beyond gossip), so yesterday seemed slightly surreal for me.

After deciding to get married, Himself and I weren't really sure what to do or how to approach the actual practicalities of the rest of the journey. How should we tell our parents and families? Given that we had the rare occassion where both sets were going to be in the same place at the same time, that question was made a little easier. In a week Himself was finally graduating from uni, and we were having an early dinner at our fave cafe, Devour, with his mum, grandma, brother and my parents afterwards to celebrate. So yesterday I watched Himself get a certificate, then sat with butterflies in my stomach over a dinner, unsure of exactly how we were going to bring this up. I had been uncertain, right up to that night, of whether we would really do this. Saying you're going to get married is pretty easy, telling anyone besides yourselves is making it real.

When, mid meal, Himself said "So we're glad you're here together for another reason, too... Herself and I are thinking we should get married." I thought I would throw up. I'm not sure why I'd been so nervous about telling our families. There was no reason to think that anyone in our family would be upset - I get along great with Himself's family and sometimes I'm convinced my parents love him more than they love me. Even given that, I guess there was a part of me that was worried either of our families would think we were rushing into something, or that given we're so financially (and generally) irresponsible, that we weren't ready. If I'm going to be honest, there was also a part of me that was secretly worried that the look on Himself's family member's faces would show me that I was wrong and they weren't really that 'ok' with me, they were just putting up with their son/brother/grandson's partner. Even more honestly, after having gone through the experience once of telling my parents life-changing news they didn't react well to, I was terrified to tell them something they might not like again. The only thing worse than the disappointment on my parent's face when I told them I was pregnant at age 19 was losing the baby to a miscarriage.

This time my news was received a lot better: Himself's mum nearly spoke over the top of his little speech with "Good. When?" and Himself's brother was genuinely delighted, telling us both how great he thought it was. My parents were a little more of a puzzle. As I looked down the table towards them, my nerves were clanging and the butterflies had turned to nausea. It wasn't really helped by the look of surprise and trepedation on my Dad's face, or the shock on my Mum's. My Mum was the first to say anything, with a quick "Really?", and I'm not sure, but I think Dad asked "Are you serious?". When Himself and I kept nodding to confirm we weren't joking Mum looked at Dad and said "He's still waiting for the punch-line". I finally spoke and said "There's no punchline... we're serious". Mum came over to kiss and hug, and Dad leant over to kiss us. At that stage I was pretty scared that we hadn't just surprised them, but that they weren't happy. It didn't take long for Dad to get up and buy a bottle of champagne for us to share, and for me to see that Mum was happy, but I was still uneasy over their reaction.

While Himself left the table to call his Dad, who is living in the Middle East for work, I sat trying to be happy about the idea that this was now real. For the most part, I was still feeling like the whole day was unreal. This probably hadn't been helped by the fact that I didn't sleep the night before, but I think my own emotions over our own private agreement with each other being out in the open was starting to take over. Himself's sister-in-law soon arrived to join in our celebration, and after a drink with everyone and a few standard questions like when, where etc, everyone started to clear out to go back to work, baby bed-times, vet pick-ups and so on.

After everyone left Himself and I were alone, staring at each other accross an empty table. Himself seemed more excited by the whole affair than I was, and we took the quiet minute to call his sister, who had missed dinner as she was working. Her reaction was as expected, happy surprise, and with that all the obligatory family announcements had been made. While all of this had taken only an hour or so, it felt like a huge ordeal and part of me was still tied up in trying to decipher my parent's reactions. Wanting to put my own mind at ease, I decided to call them so I could get on with the rest of my night. I picked up the phone, and when Mum answered I asked "So have you recovered from your surprise yet?" We had a brief chat where I teased them about their reaction and Mum reiterated that they were just taken aback; they really hadn't seen it coming. While Mum repeated on "Dad says he's not sure if he managed to tell you properly, but he's really happy and passes on his congratulations", I started to ease my own mind. After hanging up I was reassured and felt ready to get on with what was due to be a long night.

When we collected our thoughts and ourselves, we went on to the next point for the night. Meeting up with the friend who introduced us (a happy co-incidence that we were set to see him again after his long absence in Sydney) at our fave local hangout in Northcote, Terra Firma. A quick drink with him where we shared our good news went as expected - he didn't really care and said the perfunctory congrats - then we moved on to the last stop of the night. The IsNot Magazine launch for their latest edition. By this stage, I think I was just operating on auto-pilot.

It took about two seconds after we arrived before Himself told our very good friends Jane, Tim and Richard. Given that I had convinced Tim that he couldn't go home after work, he had to come out that night as I had good news for him, they had been speculating before we got there as to what the news was. When we asked well, what do you think, Jane responded "Tim thinks you've changed the name of our company, or you're getting married." We looked at each other, laughed, and confirmed that we were getting married. Both Tim and Jane seemed shocked, but happy. Richard gave the very apt response "Well congratulations on being able to do something I can't!" (the proud gay lad he is). It took me about two seconds to apologise and tell him I didn't have the strength to follow in Brad and Ange's footsteps and refuse to get married until all people had the right to do so. Within about two seconds of that we had managed to tell the ever wonderful Penny, Tash and Mel from IsNot, which earned us some free champagne (thanks Tash!) and about five seconds later (or so it felt) the whole room knew.

While Himself took to the attention like a duck to water, I suddenly found myself overwhelmed and unable to respond to people's reactions. It took a lot for me to convince people that while we were going to get married it wasn't the big spectacular deal that it sounded. Friends and people we didn't really know that well had suddenly turned the spotlight on our relationship. Maybe it's because we are so different in public to the way we are privately, which is a product of the fact that our relationship (particularly around other people) is a combination of work and personal, or maybe we just hide how serious we are about each other, but it felt as if people were quite shocked.

On top of that, it wasn't something I was used to when Himself and I are so rarely a 'couple' in public - we're Him and Her from the magazine or the conference. I was also pretty overwhelmed by the assumptions that come with telling people you are going to Get Married. For us, it's a natural progression of where we are and what we want from our future, it's going to be a chance to have a very informal, personal gathering of the people who matter to us to make a committment to each other. Suddenly all those conversations between Himself and I where he told me he didn't see the point of everyone else being involved in what was, essentially, a very private committment between ourselves, made much more sense. I understood his feelings that our choice to get married really didn't require an audience. Unfortunately, it was a little late to come to that understanding in the middle of a room of people.

So now we're gradually getting around to telling the rest of our friends and family... A few of my oldest friends were away, so in this modern age it's email notification (which is better as people can't over-react). As for the rest of it, I'm not enjoying the 'announcement'...

The non-proposal.

2006-10-07T15:00:00.000-07:00

Himself and I have been talking about marriage for a while now. A long time ago, when we first knew each other as friends rather than partners, I used to hear how Himself felt about marriage as absolute. No. Never. Not happening. It didn't worry me - mostly because I didn't think of him as someone I wanted to marry, even when we had started dating. I've always felt like I wanted to get married, but never had that desperate desire, the perfect picture in your mind of a wedding day and perfect husband. Even once we started to become more involved, if the topic were raised I expressed my real feelings; marriage was an option for my life, kids were a deal breaker. No kids, a relationship wouldn't work, no marriage, I couldn't see that it would be the end of a relationship.

As things progressed it wasn't marriage that got discussed anyway, it was the 'deal breaker'... kids. At first, Himself was more anti-child than he was anti-marriage (if that's possible), but after Himself's brother had an adorable baby girl his feelings changed. I look at the way if changed him, his perspective on his own life, our relationship and his family and I thank lots of gods I don't believe in. Not just because it opened him up to the idea of having children, but because it made him more aware that how you feel about something within yourself is fluid. We don't make decisions about our life and stick to them, we discover what feels right as we go along. I saw that allow both him and I to alter ways we acted in lots of areas of our life and make choices about work, home, family and pretty much everything from a more creative place.

From a few months ago Himself and I had been talking about why we weren't in the right time and place to have kids. Mostly it was to remind me that we weren't ready. Our relationship was doing great, we both wanted to have kids (and conveniently, even with each other!), but there was that whole issue of having no financial security, living in a rented home, not being in the best mental and physical health, not having finished uni (for one of us) or wanting to make our own company work (for the other). Despite all that, I've been fighting a tide of hormones and my own desire. While we could come to terms with some of the issues, it was pretty simple to see that there was too much saying 'wait' and not enough saying 'now'.

So how did it move from 'now isn't the right time for kids' to 'let's get married'? It was a conversation where I pointed out that any kids we did have would have to have my name - I wasn't going to have a different name to my children. Himself didn't like that idea at all. I kept reiterating that if I had kids, the only person I could count on to be their family was me. While that sounds pretty offensive to someone that you are considering having children with, I didn't mean that I expected him to walk out, just that as a mother, you carry a child, put your career and life on hold to care for them and hold primary responsibility for them (even if only out of physical necessity) for the first few years of their life. If you do all that, why does a father get naming rights while you are treated like an incubator? They are your child and you are responsible for them - a father gets to chose how much they take on, you are given a whole set of duties and responsibilities you can't walk away from.

During the discussion it evolved that while we were talking about having children very soon, Himself didn't consider that he would be ready to marry anytime soon. I think that shocked me. How could you talk about having kids (which is far more of a commitment than a piece of paper), but not be ready to commit to the person you were talking about having them with? Himself seemed to think that there was no point. Perhaps if we were having a baby there would be a point, but why bother before that? It struck a pretty sore point for me. Our whole relationship has played out as just sort of... happening. We were friends who fell into being workmates, then fell into being housemates, then fell into being a couple. We've never really had to choose to be together, it's just evolved as time has gone on. In a way it's really natural, but sometimes I worry that Himself is just unwilling to change or choose anything in his life. That our relationship is something he has just let happen, rather than decided he wanted. It struck me that if we got married because we were having a baby it would be just one more thing that happened to us (or him). Himself would never, in our whole relationship, have chosen me.

After talking about it for a while, we both got pretty exhausted. Himself had agreed we should get married, I had insisted that he was just giving up, not making a choice, he had said he couldn't win, I had gotten frustrated. The conversation ended with us deciding to leave it for a while, drop the whole issue and try to just get on with living our lives. We had a really busy few months with work and bad health. I didn't forget about the conversation, but there really wasn't time to worry or wonder about it. When we returned from the event we had been working on I flew back home a day after Himself had come back. Finally at home and with no pressure, we both relaxed on the couch. We caught up, enjoyed nothing-ness and when I was at my most tired-yet-content, he turned and said "let's get married". I tried not to get over-excited. I questioned him: was he doing it because he felt like he should? That the issue wouldn't go away so he may as well do it? For two days we went backwards and forwards until last night, where Himself insisted I stop over-analysing what was going on and we agree to do what we both wanted. Get married.

The first people to be told were the guys at the University Hotel bottle shop. We went to buy a good bottle of champagne and a very expensive bottle of whisky to celebrate. The guy behind the counter wanted to know if it was a special occasion so we told him yeah, we decided to get married. That scored us a free gift-bag and a card of congratulations. We came home, lit our candle-filled balcony and enjoyed a drink or two in celebration out in the dark with the city sounds of Collingwood around us. It seems so much more natural to me that we would make the decision to get married together, rather than wait in gender-trapped silence for a man to 'ask'.

So there it is, the non-proposal.

I'm getting married.

2006-10-07T14:38:00.000-07:00

Yes, me. Sceptic, (very)closeted-romantic, informal me.